I say it all summer, “I want to dye my hair purple.” I beat around the bush and back again until my sister says, “Just do it.”
So I did it.
***
Purple is my freedom color. My hold tight and don’t let go of hope color. Since Lucy tumbled down that hill in the Italian countryside, meeting George Emerson in a tangled heap at the bottom, purple has been my color.
I hide my passion in drapes of purple. That heart on my sleeve, the one I keep covered up, it’s etched in purple.
I can feel the emotion swell inside of me. I’m good at keeping the lid closed, the boiling neatly under control, but sometimes…sometimes I want to let it spill over. I want to make a mess and let this colorful, wild and crazy, out on the limb climbing, wonder of a woman come out. The woman who can’t be compartmentalized because she’s too intricate, too diverse, that’s me.
{and that’s you too}
No, that’s not my grown-up duck face. It’s my “What if people at church think I’m crazy?” face.
I’ve lived in a lot of fear and still find myself crawling out of its webs. I worry what people will think of me…if I say, wear, or do the wrong thing. If I’m too excited or not excited enough. I want people to like me {I want to be included} so I keep the boat steady. It’s a nervous place to be.
And whenever I think I’m gaining ground, hitting fear in the face—being brave, I fall back again. It’s humbling…and annoying. I wonder when this little girl will grow up and have the final “I don’t care!” break through.
{I do care. I’m tired of caring about someone else’s, ever changing mold.}
***
There are women that inspire me…one’s that laugh out loud, let their hearts bleed into words, and look ridiculously amazing in outfits that’d make me afraid of being noticed. They are confident in their uniqueness, in their beauty, in their vein of self.
I look at them from a distance and feign between admiration and envy. Their freedom, their vulnerability that dances on the outside…I want that.
{you don’t realize how much fear controls you until you desire to be different}
Maybe this was my first step.
I’m quiet, reserved, and all too often apologetic. Perhaps the blast of purple will shed my own barrier.
It just might make the inside come out.
***
I’m joining the synchroblog at SheLoves/Magazine.com for the first time. The theme for September theme is Awake.
I dig the purple. Good for you.
Wanna join me?
Hahaha…no. I definitely don’t have purple hair on the inside. Henna red, perhaps, but not purple.
Oh how I love this!
Thanks, Brenda.
Can I just say-tattoo?? I am 34 and for my 35 birthday next month, I’m gonna let the real me come out…in ink. YAY me-how liberating is the sheer thought of it! Love this post!
Exciting! I’m considering one for my 30th next year.
BEAUTIFUL! Like you! Red is my freedom color and I so resonate with what you are saying here about fear! but like one of my mentors said to me once… “the world needs to hear your voice!”
Yes!
I love it! Good for you for going ahead with it! As my mom always says, “It’s only hair.”
I’m still in ink-deliberation. My husband and I talked for years about getting tattoos for our 30th birthdays, mine came and went, his is up next. I don’t think we’ll be getting them…he can’t decide what he wants. Maybe 35
Ha! I’m considering one for my 30th next year. It’d definitely be more permanent that the hair!
I’m writing to affirm your courage…I found your blog as I checked out some links on my courageous/outrageous/loving grandaughter’s facebook…I’m 73 and still discovering areas where God’s Spirit wants to help me let go of fears, and I say YAY!
Thank you, Carol.
I love this, especially this line: “you don’t realize how much fear controls you until you desire to be different”. I’ve been trying all year to be a little more brave and it feels discouraging sometimes to realise just how many areas of my life are controlled by fear. But one step at a time and I feel a little braver every day. I love the purple! Purple is my happy colour too
Jessica! I love your voice. So honoured you shared with us, I just have one thing left to say….you go girl!!! xoxo