Today I walked around with a short fuse, that at any second, with the turn of a phrase I’d snap. I just felt annoyed and irritated.
It was the dust bunnies under the couch, the leftovers in the fridge that needed to be thrown out and couldn’t someone else just wash those stinky, nasty dishes? The homeschool room that stood neglected all week, the child who kept coming in for just one more thing when I was trying to nap, the dirt sitting by the door, and why does it take so long to wash my hair?
Important, gut-wrenching, life-altering dilemmas. Obviously.
Somewhere my attitude changed, but most of the day I just wanted to ball up with clenched fists and hide. I don’t want to be the selfish person always looking to be served, but I am. I don’t want to be the mom who would rather have her kids quiet and convenient than as they are, but more often than not, I do. I don’t want to return to the perfectionist who can’t sit still or be at peace until every dish and dust bunny is put in their proper place, but every once and awhile she shows up unannounced.
There’s always that tension between who you want to be, who you’ve been called to be and what you are. Some days you fly on graceful wings as if the Holy Spirit was breathing your every word and deed. And other days you’re dragging your fists against the ground grumbling at anyone who dares smile.
This whole faith and life and dying to self thing isn’t easy. And it’s definitely not consistent. But the only thing I can think of on moments like this is there’s grace for today. Grace for tomorrow. Grace covers the bad days and the good days.
Sometimes I can’t help but wonder if the Father looks down and smiles, “Come on, child,” taking up my hand He leads, “let me show you another way.”
I always feel, at these moments when I’ve been knuckle dragging, that God is upset and ready to pour out a finger-shaking lecture. I stall my repentance, because I fear retribution. I forget it’s His kindness that leads to repentance. I forget He loves me even when I don’t love him—when I neglect my ambassadorial role.
There is unmerited favor for all my screw-ups and more than that, there is a loving God who is calling me to join Him once again.