Here I am. Writing.

I’m hot, sweaty, nose closed tight with the season’s sickness. Olivia’s resting (or rather wiggling) on my shoulder. I told myself 500 words yesterday, but I didn’t. By nightfall my eyes were straining to see. Tomorrow, I said.

Today is tomorrow and I open my journal. Flip to the page with “Day 3″ at the top and ask myself the question I wrote down a year and a half ago, “What is holding me back?”

I rock her in the bathroom. Mother and daughter look back at us, I ask myself again, “What is holding me back?”

Last night I printed a workbook book on pursuing and accomplishing your dreams. “Let’s make 2013 the best year ever!” I didn’t bother to print the pages reflecting on 2012. I didn’t have answers. {at least not any good ones} I wanted to doodle and plan and say, “Yes!” on that paper. But I felt embarrassed, even ashamed. Good Christian girls don’t doodle dreams? Wouldn’t act on them?

She’s fisted my shirt in her tiny hand and I’m hoping she’ll go to sleep. “Why am I afraid?”

Why? I’m afraid people will laugh at me and not just think, but tell me my words are silly and worthless, that they’re not good enough.

There it is. 

The crux of my life, the unholy thorn in my flesh, the lie I’ve believed for decades.

I’m not good enough.

And still, for this recovering perfectionist, not good enough, is a prescription for inaction. Maybe that’s why when people ask me about my writing I mumble. I’m afraid they’ll read it and laugh and question why I call myself a writer.

{why is fear such a long working out in my life}

Isn’t this what I purposed? To write unafraid? Working it out day by day.

Here I am. It is today.

What’s that saying on courage? Courage isn’t the absent of fear, but acting in spite of fear. For some of us we’ve believed so long that courage is fearless and it’s the acting in spite of fear that scares. But here I am. Raising my sword and writing down words.

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4 thoughts on “Here I am. Writing.

  1. I love this! Fight against the fear, you are enough, not because of you, but because Jesus gave us His enoughness. (I watched a video by Emily today and know its about time to read “Grace for the Good Girl” again!)

    p.s. I love it when you write because it helps me feel like you’re still here and maybe we could meet for coffee and talk about blogging and dreams and feeling not good enough and encouraging one another to keep going…one step at a time.

    p.s.s. I love that workbook, plan to have it printed out and work through it this month while I’m trying to plan and pray and dream for the year ahead!

    • I miss our blogging coffee dates too! And I pulled out Grace for the Good Girl again this morning. :) Still haven’t truly opened the workbook. Maybe we should make a Skype coffee date and discuss all the things! :)

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